Snob Essentials

Bathing Suit Pitfalls: You’ve Been Warned


Don’t be fooled: summer is a treacherous time and preparation is pivotal. There are few more intense shopping missions than the new bathing suit hunt. With so many options, there’s sure to be one out there that is perfect for you. But pace yourself. Don’t make the mistake of getting experimental and missing – when it comes to the swimsuit, there is a very slim margin of error!

Here are some styles to avoid, ones that might be cute in theory but will ultimately throw a wrench in your pool party. Choose wisely and no matter what you wear, remember sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen!

1) Strange Cutouts: Exposing the hips, cutting you with odd straps, and possibly accentuating love handles? I don’t think so. Even if you’re a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, this cut is not only unflattering, it’s confusing to the eye.

Cia.Maritima Swim Printed One-Shoulder One-Piece Swimsuit at Saks Fifth Avenue for $178.

2) Asset Minimizer: Triangle bikini tops are already challenging enough for the average body, but these little triangles-within-another-triangle doubly reduce your assets. And if you’re assets need reducing, these are not supportive enough for your needs.

Lisa Marie Fernandez Color-Block Bikini at Saks Fifth Avenue for $345.

3) Odd Tan Lines: With side cutouts, a keyhole detail, halter straps, AND lacing, you are just asking for two-tone trouble. Unless this is the only bathing suit your planning on wearing all season (which I doubt) and you’re going for the buttoned-up look off the shore, I would think twice.

Nycked Lace-Up Monokini on Shopbop for $144.

4) Wardrobe Malfunction: Looks are deceiving. As modest as this rouched retro look appears, this is strictly a lounger. Don’t jump in the pool, or the top will flip down and expose you. If you must take a dip, move carefully in and don’t go for freestyle strokes, as the top isn’t secured by anything (the straps are too far off to the side to function). I admit it: I’m speaking from first-hand experience. J

Norma Kamali “Bill” Power Jersey at Normal Kamali for $350.

5) Looks Too Much Like Underwear: There’s a fine line between making references to lingerie and looking like you busted out your bustier. This clearly crosses it. Lacy crochet trim, bra cups that look suspiciously like Body by Victoria, and even a fleshy taupe color make it a no-go. Unless you find value in it doubling as underwear.

Zimmerman “Whisper” Underwire One-Piece on Shopbop for $345.

6) Bandeau Tops: The only perk of the bandeau is no risk of strappy tan lines. Looks-wise, they’re just not good on anyone, unless you have the unfortunate – or fortunate – flat chest. Regardless, choose a top that will amplify, not smash. Bandeaus have an awkward way of pushing your boobs down, unless you have the help of silicone. Then again, you’re still not showing them off in the best light – go for something that flaunts cleavage!

Mikoh “Corsica” String Back Bikini Top on Shopbop for $95.



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1 comment

  1. Thank you Kelly. I consider this post a public service! I can attest to the horrible look created by the Bandeau top. And I had no idea about the retro one-piece. I have wanted one for a while, but after this, I will pass!